popcorn

Eddie Schlock (same actor as the bible salesman) - Watching the Fabulous Five laugh heartily with their foot on a knocked out Doctor Deuce.  Voiced over, "Just look at these fucks ... "  He snaps a pic.  "My God that was a bad joke, just look at them."  Another pic.  "I mean ... they took out Doctor Deuce, finally, and I guess that's a good thing but Jesus.  

He snaps a pic of the wrecked skyline.  "And the city's going to thank them for this mess.  Another goddamn award ceremony.  I already know the boss'll send me.  They never send the dumb kid, no ... they always send Eddie Schlock.

"Dear God they're bantering."

... a sigh ... he takes the shot.

Maria Shivers - Trailed with a mic by the camera man, "Hey Eddie ... looks like you get front page again.  I get the five o'clock."  Looks around at the trashed city, "Only those willing to brave the storm ... I'll see you at seven."  

She stops and stares at the Fabulous Five.  

Maria - "My God just look at these fucks."

Eddie - "Seriously.  We need a better grade of hero."

Maria - "What is it they say ?  Not the one we need but the one we deserve ?"  Straightening her suit and preparing her news face, stretches her jaw, then side to side.  "And what the Hell did we do to deserve ... this."  A breath of strength, "Alright.  I'm going in."

Eddie - Smiles, "Careful.  They're bantering."

The five do their laugh, Doctor Deuce wiggling underfoot.

Maria - "Jesus fuck."

('Land of Sunshine' by Faith No More)

~ Why I Hate the Fabulous Five ~

(a romantic comedy)

The giant Galaga stomps through the city and opening credits, Fab Five in their dumbass flying car flying to (mixed with Galaga game vids, in time the pixelated enemies fall from the sky behind Galaga as he destroys the city).

Fab Five still flying their car, laughing about some crap and making smoothies (smoothie machine in the glove box).  They high five and leap from the car at the massive giant.
________________

Dinner at seven ~

Eddie - "Remember when the aliens arrived ?"

Maria - "We ... were ye to be born."

Eddie - "Yeah but I remember reading about it.  Three days after we tested our first nuke.  There they were ... snooping around ... it's just like these fucking clowns.  Now it's supervillains everywhere."  

A bank explodes outside the restaurant window, supervillain laughing away with bags of money, completely ignored by all.

Maria - "You know I did an alien interview once.  Kind of strange how they end their sentences with 'muahaha'."

~ Alien on camera, "Oh noooo ... nooo ... we came in  peace !  ... muahaha."

Eddie - "Your trust issues are legendary."

Maria - "Do you trust them ?"

Eddie - "Hell no.  They're too much like us."

Maria - "Muahaha."

Eddie - "Why Miss Shivers, do you have ulterior motives ?"

She slams them against her apartment wall and kneels while the Air Force tangles with UFOs outside the window.  She looks to the side ... "Do we care ?"

Eddie - Glances, "Third page."

Maria - "Nine o'clock at best."  Continues.

He hits his head back on the wall and lights a smoke.
_________________

He exhales walking down the street into a supervillain's face.

Eddie - "Fine.  'Please don't kill me'.  I'll take down your demands."

Number Nine (villain tights) - "I have demands."
________

In the diner ~ 

Eddie - "Alright.  The manifesto ... "

Number Nine - "The what !?  No.  I have demands."

Eddie - "Shoot."

Number Nine - "First, the end of All social media."

Eddie - "Preach."

Number Nine - "Second, the end of all cellphones."

Eddie - "Choir." 

Number Nine - "And third ... II want to be a villainaire."

Eddie - "Did you just say ... "

Number Nine - "I did."

...

Number Nine - "It means infinite money."

Eddie - "Ah."

~ Maria - At the dinner, "That did not happen." 

~ Eddie - "I swear to God."

Number Nine - As if said to him, "What."

Eddie - "Yeah ... what are your superpowers exactly ?"

Number Nine - "Love."

...

Eddie - "Love."

Number Nine - "That's right.  The most dangerous power of all."

Glances down in the motel, voiced over in his mind, "He wasn't lying."  He takes another drag, "It's why I keep him locked in the basement."

('Revolution 9' by some weird British band from the 60's)

In the basement ~

Eddie - "So there you have it."

Number Nine - In a large cage, generally well kept and fed but costume aging, drinking good tea.  "There I have what ?"

Eddie - "The two big problems.  Number one, I really hate the Fabulous Five.  I think I may have to destroy them."

Number Nine - "Agreed.  And number two ?"  Sips.

Eddie - "The real problem.  I think I love her."

Number Nine - "And you have no idea if you're truly loved inn return.  Or deeper still, are you in love with her ?  Or just the feeling of, 'being loved' ?"  An inward laugh.  Sips.  "Ever the dilemma."

Eddie - "You know shit like this is why I keep you locked in my basement."

Number Nine - "But the problem here, is these needs are counter each other.  The simplest way I could help you infiltrate the Five would be for me to make the Divisible Girl fall in love with you.  And if you truly love your lady, this will repulse you."

Eddie - "I could call it a fucking bachelor party if I could get in, it's being in their presence which would turn me off quick.  Fuck that."

Number Nine - "She's fine as hell and you know it and it would have to be on the side anyway.  No family dinner for you little love birds, even now you make these excuses.  You love her.  Your true lady, regardless of how she may or may not have felt about you without my intervention.  So how am I to help you, destroy our shared mortal enemies, who I have tried to kill Many times, and failed."  

Sips observing ... "Oh I'm sorry, what were your superpowers again ?"

Eddie - "Hang on.  If you tried to destroy them with those crap powers ... then ... "

Number Nine - "All of them.  They all keep the secret.  Impeccably.  It's almost like they all know about the other in general so they're comfortable knowing nothing specific."

Eddie - "Drama."

Number Nine - "Yes.  And potentially loud drama.  If they ever knew who."

Eddie - "Huh.  That's ... "

Number Nine - "Drama.  It'll get us nowhere and even if they were exposed as the absolute whores that they are, they would be even more annoying as vigilantes.  We need, to kill them."

...

Eddie - "My God.  Even Galaga couldn't do it.  I hate you for being right."

Number Nine - "But you love me for this.  People have fought them.  Aliens.  Monsters.  Zombies.  Dinosaurs.  Everyone, has tried to kill them.  So believe me, yes I will help you kill my most absolute nemeses, but how are we to do this ?"

...

Eddie - "You know.  Everyone's tried to fight them.  Commit some crime to draw them out."

Number Nine - "To test themselves."

Eddie - "Exactly.  We need to assassinate them."

Number Nine - "Hm.  Can't help you there ... but I see that differing point of view.  They're challenged when ready.  Never when not.  And your love ?"

Eddie - "You really can't just 'remove the spell' ?"

Number Nine - "I swear to you I cannot.  I fear you never will know if the woman you fell for would ever have fallen for you.  But the fact is, that's the woman you wanted to fuck.  This is the one who holds your heart."

...

Eddie - Smokes ... "So you know where to get a good sniper rifle ?"

Number Nine - "I can get anything, but everything's been tried."

Eddie - "Poisons ?"

Number Nine - "None natural, some unnatural could be procured, but you'd have to know which ones."

Eddie - "Know anyone with any good guesses ?"

...

Number Nine - Leans back smiling ... "You really do mean it.  You are one hundred percent serious, about this job, and this woman."

Eddie - "I am."

Number Nine - Smiles examining, "Well yes.  I know many people.  Though I admit, the majority are female."

Eddie - "Well maybe you're a shit shot but I'm not.  You still can get me to a lot of rooftops."

Number Nine - "You will have to betray your love, but yes.  Penultimate.  Self defining.  Do you hate them more than you love her ?  Tell me."

Eddie - "No.  I don't.  I'd give it up entirely for her.  But I don't consider that requisite.  You fuck and I'll use the back doors while distracted."

Number Nine - "Freedom."

Eddie - "Freedom."

Number Nine - "How do you know I won't just run."

Eddie - "Because you hate them as much as I do, and I think you see the possibilities."  Tosses a phone through the bars.  "Call your friends.  Call them all.  I'll be the one to do it, so they won't need to worry about any ... repercussions."

Number Nine - "The do punch and kick very hard, especially the big one."

Eddie - "I'm sure they do."

Number Nine - "Eddie."

Eddie - "Nine ?"

Number Nine - "That you are certain ?"

Eddie - "About which insane part ?"

Number Nine - "That you do not wish ... to fuck ... the Divisible Woman ?"

Eddie - "Yeah what's that like ?"

Number Nine - "The same way she fights.  She becomes many."

Eddie - "You're an asshole."

Number Nine - "Oh so many."
________________

In the church confessional ~

Eddie - "Father forgive for I am about to sin."

Priest (Switchblade) - "Tell me my son."

Eddie - "I hate them So Much.  I fear I mean to kill them."

Priest - "Who my son ?"

Eddie - Grins ... "The Fabulous Five."

Priest - A grinning jaw seen through the screen, "I'm in."

The small sliding door over the screen slams shut.